a.very wasted youth

the x is still out for blood. but enough is enough already!

http://jibberjabber-blahblahblah.blogspot.com/2006/08/skin-deep.html

for me, it does not matter what happens between our respective lawyers because when all the facts are on the table i am confident in the outcome. what matters is the amount of time spent on good intentions being wasted by a lengthy court process. for instance, we were supposed to be seeing professionals to help little 'a', not to improve our respective legal positions.

i've always known the ex is only doing what she thinks is best without realising how much it is fueled by her anger and resentment towards me. ultimately, i am not the one who has to bear the burden of these feelings/issues... our daughter is. i can deal with her actions (personally and legally) against me and i can live with the fact that she remain unhappy... but little 'a' can't.

it is her choice and hers alone to stop or continue.

freud once said; "show me the boy of 7 and i'll show you the man". we only have 3 more years before little 'a' turns 7...

show me the girl.

it is over.
we are both great.
we are needed equally.
i am happy.
you are angry.
she is in distress.
it is your choice...
stop or continue,
ignorance or assistance.
i fear your resentment
and its effect
on our little one.
open your eyes.
please stop
before the toll
is her burden alone.

a.very gradual existence

she's 4.5 now... my little 'a'.

although i haven't posted in a long long time i just wanted to write something current. so, here's a summary of important events since my last posting.

- having tonnes of fun with little 'a'

- grief and misery with my ex (i think she's banging her lawyer)

- managed to send my lawyers kids to a nice private school

- closure is closer ... missing valentine

- bought an old home and doing tonnes of renos (loving it). that's my bitch helper... lol.

- work is gangbusters

- love is looming

- life is good

see ya next year!

a.very bad idea

picture on it's way...

some parents just do not deserve the title. i took little 'a' to the zoo on sunday. it's not the first time we've been and we always have a good time. besides looking at the monkeys and going on the little train ride, there is a huge, i mean huge kids park. slides, swings, monkey bars, splash pad, sand, and more!!!

little 'a's fav event was, by far, riding on the mary-go-round atop of the painted pink pony. it was the pink pony or nothing at all. keep this in mind for later folks. so, anyway, this fella comes up and says to me... "i notice your little girl has a thing for the pink pony". i was ready for what i thought was going to be a sicko, perverted comment upon which i would begin pounding his sick head into the ground.

instead... he came at me with... "do you think she could let the other kids have a turn on it"? WTF??? i started laughing and told him...

"listen pal, if you think i'm going to rip my little girl out of this moment of happiness just so can satisfy your need to be a good dad you are wasting your time."

it was clear to me that he was definitely a rookie at spending time with his kid and thought i would have no problems ruining our our time together (little 'a' and i) just to cater to his kids crying fits. here's my fav part...

the kid was crying and flung herself on the ground at this point. the father looked at me gestured with both hands to his kid, shrugged his shoulders and said "thanks, i hope you are happy".

again... without missing a beat i replied... "i am not happy whenever i see poor parenting... go get yourself some help and come back when you know what you're doing." to my defense, one of the resident single mom's popped onto the scene and told this fella to stop blaming everyone else for trying to enjoy their time with their kids.

all the while little 'a' is singing her nursery school songs and enjoying going round and round on the painted pink pony. she obviously caught on to what was happening but was having too much fun to know that she should care or not...

"he wasn't a very nice man daddy"... no little 'a' he wasn't nice at all.

a.very good singer

friday, september 15, 2006...

i had a close group of my friends over on friday night. the food was awesome and plentiful, the bevies flowed nicely and the kids played flawlessly with the odd skirmish being the exception. halfway through dinner little ' a' quietly slipped away from our group... at least she though she had.

i watched her cunning plan unfold as she sllllowwwwlllly slipped off the chair, all the while looking in my general direction (i think she was waiting for my interference with whatever plan she had in mind). then, in a very intentionally innocent manner she la-la-la-la'd her way out of the room.

about 5 minutes later little 'a' came down in her brand new princess dress which daddy had bought her for halloween. little did i know that this would become a staple in her fashion regime until it barely fits or gets destroyed from use. she came in, dancing shoes clicking on the hardwood, her tiarra glittered in the candlelight and the lower portion of her gown whooshed perfectly outward as she made her talented little spins.

her smile oozed of happiness and pride and she didn't need to coax any praise from anyone present. we poured it on thick and the giggles which results were priceless!

later that evening, i found out just how well little 'a' could belt it out. we fired up the karaoke machine and she was on fire. never ever have i heard "old macdonald had a farm" sung so well, with such passion and intensity! and "row row row your boat"??? fugeddaboudit! i picked up the phone immediately to call my good buddy who works at sony to broker a future star dealio... no answer...

i'm sure he'll call me back this week?

a.very nice home

august 28, 2006

little 'a' had quite the surprise tonight when i picked her up today. guess what little 'a'? daddy bought you a house! the reaction was pure delight at the fact i bought her something coupled with confusion and curiousity...

a: you bought a house daddy?
d: yes little 'a'... for you.
a: can i see it daddy?
d: hell ya little 'a', can i get a "rock on"
a: rock on daddy!
a: mommy can't come too can she daddy?
d: (under my breath) no effing way little 'a', no effing way

so we're there, the real estate people are there, the owers are there... it's a picture perfect moment. the pens come out, the paers are inked... ta da! it's a done deal. everyone is happy and my mortgage guy (who is now on the phone) is lickin' his chops.

ok, now, how do i tell the ex without her unloading on me for getting on with my life (as sad as it is)? a phone call... no effing way! email... naw, too impersonal. a singing telegram... fugeddaboudit, she has no sense of humour. ok... an email it is then.

the message was delivered politely and was as sensitive as possible. i left absolutely zero room for her to manoever between the lines and dig out some cruel, hidden yet fully intended meaning... wrong! a miserable voice over the phone crackled a spiteful and resouding "won't that be nice for you". oh, i forgot to mention that it was very sarcastic too.

all in all, it was not as bad as i had imagined. she was obviously still her same angry, axe-grinding, 'what about me?' self yet was intent on being cooperative. hmmmmm... the 'ex'? cooperative?

now i'm worried, now i can't sleep... oh the agony!!

a.very brave kid

thursday, august 10, 2006

usually on a thursday little 'a' and i are up, making pancakes and then off to daycare so daddy can go to wok and be a good little bread winner. this thursday was an exception... "daddy, you can swim and play with me all day today?"... great idea little 'a' - done! a few phone calls later and the day was pretty much squared away work-wise. enter superdad (self praise is ok, i think).

as i mentioned in another posting,(say everything), the clan was gathered at the family cottage for the past two weeks which meant plenty of noisy soundbites flying around, each one louder than the last. breakfast was a frenzy of little people demanding nourishment and anxiously scarfing it down in record time. you see, breakfast was interfering with play... the beach is calling!

the whole morning was play. sandcastles, running through the shallows, boat rides, sand fights (ok, not always happy play), and my favourite... sprints up to the main house to go potty which never have a happy ending (pardon the pun). moving into the afternoon, the older cousins decided to put on life jackets and jump off the end of the big dock... all the way to the end... into the deep!!

i watched little 'a' as she admired the bravery the older girls displayed as they merrily, yet fearlessly, leapt to what seemed to her, a terrifying uncertainty. to her surprise, with each splash, they would reappear from beneath the bubbling surface laughing and giggling. in for a closer look she went.

after checking it all out she must have decided there really was nothing to it. she turned back and called to me; "daddy, ummmmm.... will you come and let me jump too"? to which i resounded with a hearty hell ya! i'm all in for a new adventure with you little 'a'.

so i waded out to the scary, scary depths known as 'all the way to the end' and told her to go for it. she was no stranger to jumping off the dock but not in these uncharted waters. this was an anxious moment for the both of us.

after many words of encouragement alot of 1... 2... 3... go's, little 'a' took her leap of faith with a successful splashdown; half in the water and half on daddy. mission accomplished houston. as fun as that was, it got kind of tiring after the 20th time but what will never tire me is seeing in her, a sense of accomplishment which stayed with her for the rest of the afternoon...

at least until it was snacktime. well done little 'a'.

top that evil kenevil!

a.very happy b'day

sunday, august 6, 2006...

"what's that daddy"!? she asked loudly and excitedly, as i made my way downstairs with two armfuls of boxes and bags covered in "my little pony" and "dora the explorer" wrapping paper. "it's a surprise", i coyly reply.

she has already halted her current acivity and all focus shifted towards the mysteriously wrapped boxes. she already knows it's her birthday today and she asks; "is that for me? ... can i see them"? i can feel her anticipation and the look on her face is priceless. "yes, of course little 'a'. these are yours... want to open them now or wait"? i was soooo toying with her... afterall, as any adult will agree, it's half the fun.

within seconds her little hands had managed to rip and shred the 10 minute-old wrappings from each item, her face forming a perfect response to each discovery. the sheer excitement and joy she displayed as well as the humility and appreciation with which she accepted these gifts made me want to rush out and buy more.

what a little lady she is. i love my little gal... you rock little 'a'.

love,

daddy m.
xo

a.very sad goodbye

thursday july 13, 2006

see you soon daddy!...

and then the door closes slowly, reluctantly behind me. bags packed and stowed in the car for my latest journey... off to india.

as the car barely inched forward, i looked to the front door of the house. i could see her little image through the glass. although distorted, i could tell she was definitely waving and blowing kisses. one hand pressed against the full length window of the french doors; as if she was trying to push the only thing keeping her from running after me to the side.

i think to myself; "14 days! this will be tough. she will be fine". for all you parents out there you know that this time away equates to missing out on...

- goodnight stories, hugs and kisses and 'i love you's
- 'good morning daddy's, "i want panckakes"
- many car rides to daycare for drop off and pick up (pick up is the best)
- roughly 10 junky but priceless pieces of daycare art
- dinners explaining why ketchup is red and milk is white
- breakfasts and deep discussion on crazy hair and shaving daddy's face
- beach time and swimming and bike rides
- so much more. the list is endless!!

i reconcile myself and all the guilt, worry, uncertainty that is pressing me to go back for one last hug and kiss.

"see you soon!" i cry, as i blow one last kiss from my driver's seat before we are out of view from each other, honking the horn as if that will amuse her enough to get over my departure.

i call the house 15 minutes later from a safe distance. she's already suckered the grandparents into a boat ride to town for an ice cream cone.

that's my little gal! good job avery! yep, she'll be fine.

a.very cute baby

wednesday, august 6, 2003...

it's a girl!!!

i couldn't take my eyes off of her. why so silent? why all the poking, prodding? can i hold her already??!! phew, a cry! WHOA, she is LOUD! cleaned up, wrapped, adorable... "a very" cute baby.

what shall we call her??

'a very', i reply.